Randy E. Richmond

INTERVIEW WITH A WANNABE

Q: Your name is I.B. Afake, is that correct?
A: Yup

Q: Now, I understand Mr. Afake that you’ve been decorated numerous times for valor on the battlefield?
A: Uh, well now that’s correct. I was awarded the Purple Star, the Bronze Heart, and the Extinguished Service Cluster.

Q: Forgive me but I don’t recognize those medals sir.
A: Heh, heh, no need to apologize, that’s why you’re the reporter and I’m the soldier… and by the way, don’t call me sir, I was an officer!

Q: Oh I see, and what rank did you hold?
A: I was a sergeant 3rd class!

Q: Er… do you mean 1st class?
A: Well, I was 1st class on my first tour but I was promoted on each of the next two.

Q: So you had 3 combat tours in Southeast Asia?
A: Asia? Hell man, I was in Vietnam! Clean on the other side of the world from Asia.

Q: Let me be honest here Mr. Afake, Some concerns have come up about the legitimacy of your service. I’d like to ask a few pointed questions about your experiences as a combat veteran. OK?
A: Shoot!... ha ha… little infantry humor there!

Q: OK, let’s see, were you ever required to... walk the point?
A: Well excuse me, but what does my drunken driving conviction have to do with this?? And besides that, it was a line… walk the LINE… sheesh!

Q: Uh huh, I see… let me put it this way Mr. Afake, have you ever humped the boonies sir?
A: Mister, you’re getting waaay too personal here. My sexual persuasions are not open to this here kind of perverted questioning. What if I have?… and I asked you not to call me sir!

Q: Have you ever so much as been on any kind of a mission? An ambush? Even a sweep?
A: Oh yes, many sweeps, but not so much anymore, I’ve got this dust allergy don’tcha know. Dust and cat hair.

Q: Alright, alright! That’s enough! I’m not only convinced you’re the phoniest, sorriest human being I’ve ever met, I don’t believe you’ve ever even worn the uniform!
A: Oh yeah? Well you’re wrong there Mr. Know-it-all, I was in the marching band in high school and I can prove it. Just look in my annual. I played the tuba!!

Q: This interview is over.
A: But… you didn’t take my picture yet.

Submitted for the October 2001 IWVPA Club Theme Project, “Humorous”