Richard D. Preston

CRIME STORY
(Part 1)

Hey how ya doin? My name is Guido an I’m gonna guide ya true dis caper.

Ya see, dere’s these two wise guys who really ain’t to wise if ya know what I mean. Dey have dis stoopid desire to make themselves to be sumbody. An what it is, is dat they have this impeccable idea to rob a house of monetary repute if ya get my drift. I aint gonna blow it fer ‘em, we got a code ya know! Sumtimes tings just dont go da way ya wannem to, but a wise guys godda do what a wise guys godda do.

Now da pieces of dis puzzle jus dont jive, and sumtimes dey fit togedder like a thong bikini on a Sumo wrestler, it’ll work but it aint pretty, badda bing badda boom. Never da less it’s the effort dat counts right? Ya jus godda have da faith that moves mole hills an not worry aboudit. It may turn out to be an effort in fertility, but ya godda give em an A for consumption.

Ya see these two guys, AKA as Tony Big Thumbs and Little Nicky Numbnuts ain’t what ya call the sharpest knives in da drawer but they got a strong constipation, and that makes up fer their lack of imagination and moral indebtedness. So in da world of crime and maladjustment they got what it takes to purport success in nether regions of ill gained gratuity. Are ya following me so far?

Here is the fractural account aboud how Little Nicky Numbnuts got into a jam with the racket a few weeks back, it seems dat he had a case of sticky fingers when it came to counting the loot. They came up shorter than a midget’s zipper, so Numbnuts had to grab a hat till he could figure out a restitutional consolodation. That’s when he and Tony Big Thumbs, put their noggins together to try an restore the depleted monetary malfunction. They learned a valuable lesson, that being this, If your gonna ride the road ya godda pay da toll. Yeah I know Beretta usta say dat all da time but aint it da truth?

Now, these two bad guys decided dat they was gonna knock off some joint and pay the mis-interpretted funds back to the ill tempered proprieters of the missing numbers money. Which would set them straight in da eyes of the under world. Then they could resume their reputational performance and return Little Nicky Numbnuts to the stamina to which he was accustomed to. Thinking along da lines of self-preservatory longevity they chose to heist a bundle at the local seven-eleven store. Dat way they wouldn’t need to boost a short for da gettaway. Being in da neighborhood it would be real conveinient, cause it was within walking distance from their digs. In their eyes conveinience store took on a whole new meaning. Piece of cake eh?

Now here’s the skinney on this capernicous caper. it was aboud midnight on a Saturday, when Tony Big Thumbs and Little Nicky Numbnuts decides to kick open the glass door of the 8th an Broadway Seven-Eleven store. Trouble is the door opened out an not in, Little Nicky Numb nuts broke his foot an Tony Bigthumbs crashed right through da door, sliding in like Babe Ruth towards home plate. It was just a matter of seconds before Numbnuts hopped in on one foot to rescue the dazed and confused Tony Big Thumbs. Nicky yells, Ouch ouch, THIS IS A STICK UP, an trips over the sprawled out Tony Big Thumbs who is laying there drooling on da floor. Once again Tony is clobbered when Nicky numbnuts knees him in the back of the noggin sending Tony into la la land. So there in front of the register lays these two stoopid hoods, one of em is drooling and the other one trying to nurse a broken foot and a sporty new broken wrist. So Numbnuts finally gets to his foot and stands there hopping on his one good leg while his wrist is bent and flopping around like a gay guy at a one legged ass kicking contest. Meanwhile da gangsta Tony has managed to crawl to his hands and knees again. He raised his head and his eyes lit up like he just seen a ghost or sumthin but he woke up a just in time to see the Arab Rajah Akmehd, the store owner clock him with a 2 liter bottle of pepsi cola, which promptly exploded upon impact sending Tony Two Thumbs to a carbonated Val-hallah.

Semi-smileing he layed there fizzing like a fresh dropped alka seltza in a glass of water. The spray sent Nicky Numbnuts into a spin, and losing his balance he fell forward into the display of motor oil which promptly sent him sliding upon the oil slick into Rajah, knocking his feet out from underneath him. Which was a good thing cause Rajah was gonna crease his skull with a two foot pepperoni stick. Now, Here we have Rajah, laying there on the floor of this Seven-eleven Along with a fizzing Tony Big Thumbs and an oil soaked Nicky Numbnuts who’s still spinning when the fuzz bust in to see what the commotions all aboud. Needless to say there were no words to explain this befuddled mass of inexplicatory happenings, so they were all hauled off to da hoosegow.

Rajah was released on the stipulation that he would not apply any more terroristic assaults with pepperoni sticks and pepsi bombs upon robbers of the general public. As far as Tony Big Thumbs and Little Nicky Numbnuts goes I aint seen nor heard from em in a year now. Guess they was sent up the river.

The moral of the story is this, Well hell there ain’t any moral to this story, just the consequences of a bungled heist of a seven-eleven by Big Thumbs and Numbnuts, both of which is a bad combination for the mis-guided extraction of funds by a couple a not so wise-wise guys

Eh!

Keep it honest, Cause the lesson of this indigent self-illusional perpetration is that crime don’t pay, Unless you get away with it… heh, heh!

Watch out for Arabs wielding their meat sticks eh!

Later,
Guido

©Copyright August 13, 2001 by Richard D. Preston