Kerry “Doc” Pardue

YOUR LIFE MADE A DIFFERENCE… TO ME

It has been over 40 years since we served together
We were the hope for our generation
Our 19 – 20 year old bodies and minds
Thought we were indestructible

We went when told to go
Did what others did not want to do
Came home wounded, broken, disillusioned, and despised
And now, mostly forgotten

Jim, I remember your strength, your smile, your bravery
You helped us all in the midst of battle
You never complained or questioned
You were the “Soldier’s Soldier”

Several years later I found you on the internet
We spoke like we did to each other back then
Happy to know we made it home
Then the topic changed in our conversations

Some of great joy of children births
Others of failed relationships
Three women tried and failed to stay
Couldn’t handle the stress and the rage

The overwhelming nightmares and flashbacks
Failure to let anyone get close again
Fear of losing another one again
Pushing those you loved far away

We lose touch from time to time
Blaming it on busy lives
But something would call us back
To speak and hear a voice from the past who understood

The smell of death, the piles of bodies and parts;
The pools of blood and bandages,
Of knowing real fear and facing it together;
Surviving another night and battle.

I email and call but no answer
Knowing full well the time is not good for you
I offer a word of prayer
A return to my own private world alone.

Then the phone call
Telling me of the note and the pull of a trigger
That ended your life, I am saddened as I could have done more
Damn it Jim, you promised that you would not be a number

You have become a sad reminder of what PTSD
Untreated can do
I wonder are you any better now that you are gone
Seems like a waste, a life of regret, gone unfulfilled

Yours is a number that now is more than double
The names that are on the cold black stone
In Washington, DC
You took a permanent solution to a temporary situation

You life had value
Your life had real meaning
Your life made a difference
To Me…