Ruby Alexandra Beloz
THE WAR CALLED LIVING
For some of you who may have not known this (only because I never told you) I have been ill for some time and it has sparked a series of tests at the hospital and produced a lot of quiet time for me. Time to think about I who I want at my funeral and so on, and who gets the money that I worked my ass off for… shit!
I am not one to produce drama in my own private life and, for the most part, my own mother didn’t even know what was going on with me. All of the tests are now complete and the tumor I have in me is not cancerous – thank God. I guess He still wants me around to give Col more shit… hehehehe…
Life takes on a whole different meaning when it’s you laying on that gurney in that hospital gown with your ass hanging out for all the world to see who you really are.
That’s when the real silence comes in and you stop dead in your tracks and you ask yourself “Was I a really a good person or did I pretend to be a good person.”
You now have less then one hour and the next thing you know you are now being forced to be held accountable for all that you’ve done in the world, and all of a sudden you realize you were really not that great a person! Now, the real fear no the real horror sets in? So now you challenge if there is really or truly a God!
This is not your family or your friend sitting there with their ass hanging out it’s your ass hanging out – this is YOU! So life begins to explode; frame rates faster than the speed of light… the next thought in your mind is repeated over and over again. Were you a good enough person to make it to Heaven; is there really a God or was this all been Bullshit?
Now this is where it all comes to play for some of us. Not every person, mother, child or soldier may posses this FAITH…
It comes to us, not when things are good but in moments when desperation has overcome every thought process we own and all of a sudden we are forced to believe in a real damned hurry there is something that is going to save us… but at the last we are not really sure – are we?
Now what? Well, I proceeded to the next level – the bargaining table!
I am now preparing to bargain with God. This is where the real part of faith comes into play…
I tell God; “Yes!”
I inform Him that He is really making a gross mistake by ending my life short! Therefore if He would just hear me out one more last time, that I promise Him to be an even better person than I am… if only He would grant me more time? So I make a list out of things that I want to do for others if He spares my life.
Now the Nurse is calling my name, “RUBY BELOZ, RUBY BELOZ!”
I say, “HERE I AM” with my ass hanging out and the only direction I can face is looking up to the ceiling? Funny isn’t it, that’s the same direction that GOD lives in… facing up!
Now life as I once knew will go into a whole another level. I’ve now made it into the 50/50 club? Yes those are my chances. They put the mask over my face they ask to count from 10 to 1 backwards and all of a sudden it hits you, “Why they ask you to count backwards from 10 to 1? One is really where it all started the beginning?” By that time it’s too late I am out like a light and the real darkness sets in the next and final phase… The Unknown… the real Total Silence…!
I wake up in the hospital bed, only to wait even more time going by. I now realize just how short life has really been all these years – most wasted on bullshit and resentments. Time now moves even more slowly; five minutes seems like five hours. I still not sure – not yet and I am by far not home-free either.
The Doctor comes in he sits down, with a stern look on his face; I think the worst! I think it’s coming to an END now!
I think, “Now the REAL pain begins; the cancer in my body will eat me alive.” I ask myself, “Will I be brave enough to handle the misery and pain of watching my own body, as I once knew it, fade away and end before my eyes?”
Oh, the worst part – will I be able to handle my loved ones as they cry for me this time?” Yes this time it’s me laying in that bed… and not them?
Now the doctor is ready to speak! He clears his throat… Here it comes – Death Sentence! He says, “Miss Beloz, the tests all came back conclusive that…”
He pauses and I’m like, “will you just FUCKING SAY IT MAN!”
“… the tumor is benign you can go home now.”
And with that, the madness has ended.
Several days goes by and now I remember, “Oh yes the bargain I made with GOD… Now the work begins…”
So having said that, if there is any one on this poetry list that I have pissed off (except for the Col hehehehe) please except my apology for being such an ASSHOLE over the years…………
OK God…. one down how many more to go???????????
©Copyright September 24, 2005 by Ruby Alexandra Beloz