Robin Amy Bass

IF I WERE STILL DRINKING

I were a woman still drinking
I’d order a cocktail top shelf
Complete with an olive and an ice cube
I’d not give a damn about health

If I could still hold my liquor
I’d order a Bristol with cream
I’d walk in with cigarette holder
And inhale another pipe dream

If I were a girl who could party
I might drink Cassias and white wine
And then I would dance on the table
While men yelled, “Your legs sure are fine”

If I were a Broad who was trashy
Instead of the lady I am
I’d slur as I said something sassy
And not give a rat’s ass or damn

If I were a lady still drinking
If I were girl who smoked pot
I’d pray as they x-rayed my liver
That cirrhosis was not what I got

If were a fan of the lush life
If I could still drink and not retch
I’d make sure champagne kept on flowing
I’d yell at the waiter to fetch

A bottle of red wine for pasta
A bottle of white with fish stew
I’d drink anisette after dinner
And I would not stop after two

If could still drink like I used to
The way that I did in my youth
I’d sit by myself on a barstool
And ask for a hit of vermouth

And when it was time for playoffs
I’d turn on the Yankees and cheer
And when they play Pedro Martinez
I’d spit on the ground and drink beer

If I could still drink Russian Vodka
If I could have scotch on the rocks
My mother would batten the hatches
My father would change all the locks

If was a woman still drinking
My boyfriend would say, “Go get Lost!”
SO I order fruit juice or water
‘Cause I cannot pay what it cost